The Religious Issue
Vol. 5 Issue 1

Drive-Thru Confessionals for Catholics on the Go
Given Unto Thee By Cardinal Charles Bakerson With Divine Inspiration Provided By His High Holiness Pope Arn I

  I am huddled in the perfect, landscaped bushes that grow in artificial splendor around what appears to be a typical fast food restaurant. Indeed, it seems to be a rather innocuous establishment. It could pass, when given a cursory glance, for any one of the numerous fast food places that dot the country. But upon more careful scrutiny, the place is easily recognized as not being among the quintessential fast food fare. Let's take a closer look.
  One immediately notices there are no golden arches or the like adorning the facade of the place. Instead, a giant halo rests upon its roof. Beneath the neon glory of that magnificent circle is the equally brilliant name of the place: McPriest. The names that grace the faces of similar places of modern confession convenience come to mind:  Burger Christ, Pope in the Box, T.G.I. Friar's. . . their names are legion. They all provide the over-stressed but faithful a much-needed service. . . the drive-thru confessional! Just recently sanctioned by Pope John Jacob Jinglehiemerschmitt I, these God-sent edifices provide absolution for those too busy to attend confession in a church. One can simply pull up a Sodomite and pull away as fresh as a new-born saint. And all of this in a matter of minutes.
  What a blessing, you say? Ah, intrepid reader, you have yet to see the staff of McPriest in soul-saving action. Look, we're in luck! Here comes a sinner now! Quite an opulent fellow. . . that is a big Cadillac he has there, indeed. He's rolling down the window as he pulls up to the speaker, which is embedded in the mouth of a life-sized statue of the Pope himself! Let's listen in (forgive us, God!):

  Sinner in the car: Forgive me, Father, for I am late for work. It has been 442 days since my last confession. Since then I have masturbated 1066 times, and also had covetous thoughts about the neighbor's pit bull terrier.

  Voice from the Speaker: (after a short pause) That'll be 13 Hail Mary's and 7 Our Father's. Please pull around to the first window.

  See? It's that easy! Now watch as the priest-on-premises, resplendent in his holy robe-like uniform, leans out of the window to bless the poor sinner. Watch as he makes the sign of the cross, sprinkles some holy water, and blows incense into the sinner's face all in one motion! He's even giving the sinner a free order of palms a tiny plastic statue of the Virgin Mary that sticks onto the dashboard. Truly a blessing! Now the repentant man drives off with a clear conscience. And the whole process took only about a minute. It's no wonder places like McPriest have been given the nickname "The Microwaves of God"!  Now, if we could listen in on that man that was just blessed, we would probably hear him chanting the Hail Marys and Our Fathers that the drive-thru priest prescribed as he speeds on to work. How, one may ask, is this possible? Aren't those prayers supposed to be said while the person saying them is curled up into an almost fetal position? Well, this used to be the case. but thanks to a recent Papal Decree, one may say prayers at any time and in any position. Thank goodness the Pope in power is very aware of the needs of modern times. So with eyes wide open and hands on the wheel, our man in the humble Cadillac says his prayers while weaving through traffic at extreme rates of speed.
  I, for one, am so glad the Catholic Church has come to have such modern sensibilities. Perhaps God is finally giving into man's desires, supplying our demands. Indeed, as my priest says during mass every Sunday, "God is bitchin'!" Well, it has been a pleasure showing you the hand of the Big Guy Upstairs in action. And until the next time we journey together into places and words, may that divine hand give your life a holy high-five!