The Political Issue
Vol. 4 Issue 2

A Good Piece of Hickory
by Tim Cragg

  The differences between the modern politician and the historical politician are many. Methods of transportation (horse versus airplane), abusable substances (whiskey versus valium), contractible diseases from hookers (syphilis versus AIDS), well, you get the idea.
   But the most obvious difference isn't the fact that one generation of politician can enlarge their penises with implants while another had to resort to constant stroking with the hope of permanent swelling. The most obvious difference is in the messages they conveyed, or still convey, and the method of conveyance.
   Picture Tommy Jefferson parking his ass on an oak bench in front of his desk to write a speech. Can't you picture the veins running across his temples filled with heated blood as Tom struggled to find the perfect word or phrase?
   "The arms we have been compelled by our enemies to assume we will, in defiance of every hazard, with unabating firmness and perseverance, employ for the preservation of our liberties; being with one mind resolved to die free rather than live slaves."
   If that couldn't inspire RuPaul to plunge his cock hips deep into Elle MacPherson's ham sandwich, what the hell would?!
   And when you think of great orators and poets, George Washington doesn't leap into your mind. Yet many of his musings are worthy of being etched in stone.
   "I cannot conceive a rank more honorable, than that which flows from the uncorrupted choice of a brave and free people, the purest source and original fountain of all power."
   Makes your wooden teeth chatter, doesn't it?
   The image of the 18th and 19th century politician is one of an angrily enthusiastic man getting the people worked up with infallible logic, (see Thomas Jefferson) or by wielding fire from the deepest point in Hell, (see Andrew Jackson).
   "It is to be regretted that the rich and powerful all too often bend the acts of the government to their selfish purpose. . . In the full enjoyment of the gifts of Heaven and the fruits of superior industry, economy, and virtue, every man is equally entitled to protection by law!"
   The foam on Andy's lips must have been as white as his hair with that motivated expulsion.
   But midway through the 19th century some of the most memorable and beautiful words flowed off of the tongue of the ugliest of men.
   "This country, with its institutions, belongs to the people who inhabit it. Whenever they shall grow weary of the existing government, they can exercise their constitutional right of amending it, or their revolutionary right to dismember or overthrow it."
   Honest Abe. Is it any wonder the man became a lawyer? Makes you want to rub a toad all over your face so that you too can experience the benefits of warts of wisdom, huh?
   And Abe's boy, Andy Johnson. Another accomplished orator.
  "The people are the safest, the best, and the most reliable lodgment of power. . . Keep up the middle class; lop off aristocracy on the one hand, and a rabble at the other; let the middle class have power ,and your government is always secure."
   Someone ought to E-mail that little statement to anyone currently holding office.
   The 19th century torch continued to blaze into the early 20th century, and what that torch resembles was a very big stick.
   "The foes from whom we pray to be delivered are our own passions, appetites, and follies; and against these there is always need that we should war."
   Teddy Roosevelt suggesting that our problems lie within ourselves ant that we should do battle against ourselves for the greater good. Hey, the man stormed San Juan Hill. You didn't expect him to say that love would conquer all and then break into "Shiny Happy People," did you?
   Woody Wilson wasn't remembered as the most effective President, but he could speak. And not just political dogma. This guy had wit.
   "The wisest thing to do with a fool is to encourage him to hire a hall and discourse to his fellow citizens. Nothing chills nonsense like exposure to the air."
   I've read that Ronald Reagan heard this as a boy and immediately decided that politics would be his calling.
   Soon the radio crept into politics. A politician could reach millions with his voice when in the past only those that saw the man heard the words. And no one ever utilized Marconi's invention better than Franklin D. (D is for 'don't puss my wheelchair so fast, asshole') Roosevelt.
  "The only thing we have to fear is fear itself - nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzed needed efforts to convert retreat into advance."
   He's telling us to revolt, isn't he? Hell, yeah! Pitchforks and flint locks, all over again! Woooo! Fuck King George! Woo hoo! I want to sever Bill Clinton's scrotum and use it for a candy dish! Yaaa! Gingrich, you fat, disgusting, poor excuse for a leader, I'm going to fill your anus with kerosene and smoke hash out of your colon! Boom! I'm going to chew Hillary's nip-Whoa. Uh, sorry, folks. Got a bit carried away with that FDR guy. Can you blame me?
   Where the hell was I? Scrotums, hashish, colons, oh, yeah! Roosevelt! Roosevelt's big think was, obviously, World War II. And the most prominent leader to arise from the debris was also one of the most humorously tongue tied. When asked by a reporter, "Has government been lacking in courage and boldness in facing up to the recession?", D.D. Eisenhower replied.
   "Listen, there is no courage or any extra courage that I know of to find the right thing to do. Now it is no only necessary to do the right thing, but to do it in the right way and the only problem you have is what is the right thing to do and what is the right way to do it. That is the problem. But this economy of ours is not so simple that it obeys to the opinion or bias or the pronouncements of any particular individual, even to the President. This is an economy that is made up of 173 million people and it reflects their desires, they're ready to buy, they're ready to spend, it is a think that is too complex and too big to be affected adversely or advantageously just by a few words or any particular - say, a little this and that, or even a panacea so alleged."
   Uh, yeah. And I agree, or disagree, depending upon the bell curve involved with rating such a statement, without coercion or within a pocketful of lint that has applied to sleep-induced diarrhea that a bias for study has been problematic in solving of non-existent problems, probably concerning cartoons and other hereditary diseases that cannot be passed from one unknowing generation to the mangy dog that lives in our alley.
   Whew! That shit is contagious! Wal-Mart doesn't sell boots high enough to avoid that dung heap.
   A bullet ended the words of a man attempting to continue the American legacy of great political orators.
   "Let every nation, whether it wished us well or ill, that we shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe, to assure the survival and the success of liberty."
   Jack Kennedy spoke almost as if he were in a competition. A competition that he certainly would have won.
   "If the self-discipline of the free cannot match the iron discipline of the mailed fist, in economic, political, scientific, and all other kinds of struggles, as well as military, then the peril to freedom will continue to rise."
 We can see, that at some point, JFK took his dick out of Marilyn's mouth long enough to become an accomplished speaker.
   But the scene had changed dramatically. Television altered the way politicians delivered information and the information itself. Nobody will ever compare the modern statesman with Willy Shakespeare. When asked how the plight of the plummeting Italian lira would effect the American economy, Dick Nixon selected these impacting words.
   "I don't give a shit about the Italian lira."
   As any therapist will tell you, Dick, it is important to release pent up feelings, but come on!
   And, finally, a tribute to the master of the Tongue-Twisting-Tango, he was a Hollywood star AND he's as senile as your 102 ear old aunt Esther! Ronnie Reagan! When a reporter asked Bonzo's best buddy if nuclear war could be limited to tactical weapons, the Gipper opened his prodigious maxillary orifice and swallowed his leg whole.
   "Well, I would, -if they realized that we- again if 0 if we led them back to that stalemate only because that our retaliatory power, our seconds, or strike at them after our first strike, would be so destructive that they couldn't afford it, that would hold them off."
   A simple yes or no, you know what I mean.
  Sure, this is by no means definitive proof that today's politician are severely lacking in public speaking ability, or that the men of history spun phrases like a funnel-web spider. This was only supposed to make you laugh while you were sitting on the can wishing you didn't order the global thermonuclear hot wings last night after drinking twenty or so Keystone Lights.
  And if you are considering what happened to the eloquence in political speech, I'll leave you with the words of an anonymous fellow, "We have a crisis of leadership in this country. Where are all the Washingtons, the Jeffersons, the Jacksons? I'll tell you where they are -- they are playing professional football and basketball."
   And, hell if you had a choice, who would you follow? Bill Clinton into the 21st century or Mike Jordan to your sixth NBA title?