The Political Issue
Vol. 4 Issue 2


Is That A Warhead in your Pocket, Mr. President?
by Senator Bitch Canadee

   Er, ah, what's this I hear about the American people whining over President Clinton's supposed sexual romps. Let me tell you something, John and Joan Q. Public, it's not easy being the most powerful penis . . . er, ah . . . MAN in the world. The stress levels related to the job are enormous! There must be a relief of this tension in order for such an important man to function at peak performance. And what better way than through the greatest of stress relievers . . . er, ah SEXUAL GRATIFICATION. Recent studies have shown that the more orgasms a man has, the longer he lives! So I say, what's wrong with a little oral in the Oval, huh? Er, eh, who cares who the Commander-in-Chief is putting the stones to every night? As long as he is not doing it in the war room, where there's a chance he'll accidentally hit the big red nuke button during orgasm. And think of it his way: Yer all damn lucky this isn't the Stone Age! Back in the days of Neanderthal man, the big bastard that was in charge would have his hairy, sub-human way with every woman in the cave! Even yours, right after he kicked the living shit out of you with his big club! Then there were the Middle ages, when laws allowed the local lord to give your new bride her first good schtupin' on YOUR wedding night. Er, ah, frankly I think the President should have a whole harem of hookers! He'll be happier, and thus the country will run smoother! If Hillary isn't doing her job, get someone else. And at least he ain't trying to get with the First Dog, or even worse, little homely Chelsea! Then there are those nubile teenage girls, fresh from recess in their Catholic School girl skirts. . er, ah . . nevermind! If the pope can hide altar boys under his robes, the President should be able to keep a strumpet on call! What he needs to do now is get the secret service to find him some good-looking females. . no more of those mooing Monica Lewinski types or her hideous Paula Jones counterparts. Enough scandal already! The real scandal is the fact that my glass of Scotch is now empty! Therefore, I leave you to ponder the words of this elder statesman. Right now, I have a callgirl waiting for me to drown my wife. Keep on voting America! The sex life you help may be mine!

Clear and President Danger
by Franklin Delemoan Roosevelt.

   Hi. Attacks on our latest President have forced me to remove my quill from out its inkwell and dabble in the art of prose in order to construct a retort to this band of Brigands whom I like to call Starr-gazers. Kenneth Starr-gazers that is. These people follow every proclamation of scandal that comes spewing out of his mouth like the lava out of mount Vesuvius and then they sit and watch hoping to see something like an impeachment, oblivious to the fact that the repercussions of such actions will incinerate them. Leaving them encased in their own ashes much like those unsuspecting slobs in Pompeii. But enough geological phenomenon references. Let's get right down to the meat of the subject. In fact, Mr. Clinton's meat IS the meat of the subject if you want to be crude about it. So many people these days are complaining that our dear ol' President cannot keep his manhood under control. That he is abusing his power as a leader by engaging in some extra-marital activities. Some people say "oh my gosh, that's terrible". I say, "Right on Bill!"
   Don't any of you out there know that one of the greatest perks of being in a position of power is that you get the women of your choosing? Why do you think so many men possess this burning greed for more power? To get women! Whether you're Ghengis Khan, Donald Trump, or he singer from Warrant circa 1988; you totally eliminate those silly pick-up lines. All Mr. Clinton has to say is "Hi I'm the President. Meet me in the Lincoln Bedroom in 15 minutes please. Thank you." And don't think previous Presidents did not partake in these actions. JFK, Eisenhower, LBJ, and even myself, FDR, partook in a little hanky-panky. And did the people of the world then care? NO!
    And please do not think, ladies, that Bill has taken advantage of these women. For every guy out there who will have a sexual encounter with a good looking woman and then proceed to tell his friends, "yo, I got with this really hot woman last night. She had the biggest . . ." there is a woman who would make a similar comment: "You won't believe this, but I did it with the President!"
   But I do not want to come across as a total supporter for Clinton's actions. I do have a problem with what he is doing and it is this. Have you seen these women he has had these supposed encounters with!? Come on man what's with you!? They are butt ugly. Bill, Bill, Bill. You can do better that that! You're the leader of the democratic universe. I mean, look at JFK for example. It's rumored that he slept with Marilyn Monroe, the sex goddess of the time. Hats off to him. And it's furthered rumored that while she was walking out the front door, John was ushering other women in through the back. Ha! Now that is an example to follow Mr. President! By the way, I heard a recent theory that Bill was not the man involved in the Monica Lewinski incident. Someone theorizes that it was a second gunman.